Even If It Hurts
by XxNovellaxX
Summary: Even If It hurts, Meredith will choose to deal with this break up in a different matter than everyone else is used to. Will it Work? Set after Lay your hands on me. First one in a long time.
1. Chapter 1

**So here I am again, years later to write you a fanfic about the last episode we saw that was new, I had to watch it again to get help. But I have something for you. I hope you like it.**

_I think it's better to have someone, even if it hurts, even if it is the most painful thing you have done, even if it's the most painful thing you've ever had to do. I think it's better to have someone_.

At this moment in time, Meredith is faced to live her life alone, once again. She was there, she was AL MOST THERE. It seems that the good old McDreamy keeps making mistakes. This was on him 100 percent. It's like he doesn't realize that he is the problem here. Yes Meredith is Dark and Twisty, but he loves her despite all that. He had promised to wait for her, however long that takes.

Meredith was getting better. She was happier, she realized that she had a family, and she was finally letting her sister into her life. Derek saw all this...but for some reason he didn't latch on to it. He didn't embrace what he had at the time. He is just so impatient.

Derek was married once. He had gone through the whole dating scene, found a women he loved, and purposed. He soon married that women and was with her for eleven years. He fell out of love with her, fell in love with Meredith and expected Meredith to be just like that Women he fell in love with those Eleven years previously.

But you see, Meredith isn't like other girls. She was damaged when he fell in love with her, and he was with her all through her long and hard healing process. He got to see how truly miserable and depressed she could get. And believe it or not, that scared the living shit out of him. It made him feel like he couldn't help her, or that he wasn't enough to bring her out of it. It would make his thoughts stray from time to time, probably not even realizing that she was getting better.

Meredith started to be happier, he must have seen that, or else he would never had shown her the house plans. The house plans were a good idea but maybe not at that moment in time. She was only _JUST _making a life for herself. She had tried to let her step mother in, she passed away, and that set Meredith back a little, but Meredith was only just letting her sister in resently, and had already started to improve on her openness with Derek.

He just went to fast, that's all. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't his downfall. Because now, what do we expect from Meredith after the fact that he will try to date someone else. The someone else that he had kissed _and liked_ to kiss. She will fall apart. Every day she will state that she's "fine". and probably wont be. But what everyone else doesn't know is that Meredith will approach this unfortunate event in a whole different way.

This whole new way will actually make her Benefit from it. Because, Seriously! How can he just flat out say "so I guess this is it." No one in their right mind would do that and not feel like they just did a really stupid ass thing. No one can do that and then just walk away. Everyone knows Meredith and Derek are mad for each other. And what relationship doesn't have it's rocky points?

So it's over for now. Meredith will pout for a reasonable amount of time. And then, oh yes, then she'll turn the switch, even if it hurts to do so.

**Alright. That's all I could think of without giving anything away. Hope you liked it. It's been a while since I did one so go easy on me.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's another chapter for tonight. Enjoy. **

Phase 1

_At any given moment, the brain has 14 billion neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour. We don't have control over most of them. When we get a chill, goose-bumps, when we get excited, adrenaline. The body naturally follows its impulses. Which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control ours._

Green eyes meet the cold hard ceiling. She's been staring up at it vacantly for an hour. It's the very next day after her idea was hatched. She has the weekend to let out every single emotion she has about this matter, to go completely out of control, and then she will slowly phase that out into other phases.

Meredith's emotions have not yet boiled over. Maybe in an hour, maybe two. But sooner or later, she'll spill over, and there will be no stopping her. That's why she is trying to get it over in done with. Some while she's all alone, and some while she's around Izzie, George, Alex and Christina. Oh, And especially Derek. Derek needs to see how miserable she is. Just for a week or two, then, that phase it out.

The first phase is all real. Everything she is feeling will be out for everyone to see, just like all the other times. Only this time she will cut it short, she will slowly slip from beginning outwardly depressed, to silence, to starting to perk up a little, to completely fine. Of course, everyone will actually believe her because she will make it so believable, she'll soon belive it herself, and then, It will actually be true.What a perfect plan. How can that go wrong. It can't.

And here comes the first wave. A sob escapes her lips. Perfect timing too. The door is shut and locked, she made a scene about it when she got home. Then the tears come, one, two, three, and soon many stream down her face and drip down onto her ear, and then drops onto the pillow where it will spread in time.

She keeps thinking about Derek. His nice hair, is scruffiness she sometimes hated. The bad breath he had in the moring. She thought about how they had finally found a solution to her snoring, so that Derek wouldn't have to sleep on the coach. All these thoughts just make everything so much worse. She has to role on her side as not to drown in her own uncontrolable tears.

When something like this happens, she has time to think of all the things she wouldn't normally think about. Like how she blamed this all on him. Of course she'll blame it on him, just like he'll blame it all on her. It's her fault as well. She knows him more than anyone else, So she should have known that he'd pull out something as big as a dream house; and that she should have been ready for it. And he knows her so well he shouldn't have been discouraged when she freaked out about it.

Tears keep coming, every tear carrying every thought she ever had of him. She was taking slow sexy steps...and this dream house with those extra bedrooms that would no doubt hold their future kids, just set her back a little. If he gave her a chance, she would have warmed up to it, in time. Slow sexy steps.

Now she is sobbing violently and she starts to hyper-ventilate. She has to sit up. Her mouth is open and she is gasping for air while she holds a hand to her chest, like that will help. She lets out a long low cry and is shaken again with the sobs she was waiting for, and is now starting to regret.

The door suddenly begins to shake. Someone is pounding on the other side.

"Meredith! Meredith!" It's Lexie. She was walking down the hall when she heard Meredith in distress.

"Alex!!" Lexie screams for Alex who is down stairs. He comes flying up.

"What, what is it?" He's panting.

"Meredith is locked in her room! I think she's hyper-ventilating!" Lexie is all in a panic and tears come into her eyes. Alex yells for Izzie because Izzie has a key to Meredith's door somewhere hidden, just incase Meredith has done something like this. Izzie gets the key and when the door opens Lexie hurries over to Meredith and rubs her back in slow circles.

"Shh Meredith, just breath...Shh."

"...I..I..I can't!" Meredith tries to say. She gasps more and more and is racked with even more sobs. What has she done?

"Yes you can, come on, breath, In...and out..." Surprisingly Lexie was able to just jump right into it without feeling awkward, Meredith doesn't seem to notice, all she cares about is getting her regular breathing back. After a while Meredith's breathing becomes less rapid. Tears still flow from her eyes. Lexie continues to sooth her, while Alex and Izzie stand at the door, watching their friend fall deep into despair.

Half an hour later Meredith has fallen asleep. Lexie sits there at the end of her sisters bed, watching her breath in and out, scared she might freak out again if she woke up. Izzie went down stairs five minutes ago to make dinner, Alex went off to Joes, but not before checking in on Meredith again. He may be an ass sometimes, but he still cares.

Lexie has never seen Meredith so wild with her emotions before. Frankly she never wants to see her like that again. Izzie told her that Meredith gets extremely bad when something like this happens. Lexie thinks it's not good to let yourself be like that. That people need to learn to deal with things a lot better.

Meredith roles over in her sleep, now facing her sister. Lexie can see how tired Meredith is. Meredith's eyes are all red and puffing, she really just looks like shit, what with those rings under her eyes to go with the puffiness. Lexie puts a hand on Meredith's shoulder, and then exits the room, shutting the door behind her.

_The body is a slave to its impulses. But the thing that makes us human… is what we** can** control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed. We can cool off, and clean up the messes we've made. We can try to let go of what was. _

Meredith wakes up in the middle of the night. Her eyes are crusted over and she has to make her way blindly to the bathroom. When she gets there she splashes cold water on her face. Staring at herself in the mirror, she sees the person she has become over night. The sight is horrible. Meredith shakes her head, like she's trying to snap out of it. Defiantly going with the phases.

Tomorrow she'll wake up, still teary eyed; She'll sulk around all weekend, and then go about not talking pretty much at all when she gets to the hospital that Monday. Now that she's calmed herself down, she can rest a little bit easier, and try not to think of how she's sleeping without his protective arms around her.

**Chapter two, hope you liked!! Please let me know.**

**P.S. Those in italics are Meredith's monologues from the thirds season. Not mine.**


	3. Chapter 3

Derek

_Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There's a part of the world that we are literally blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored._

With beer in one hand, and the full moon above him Derek sat on the porch of his trailer. He had hoped that one day he'd be sitting on the porch of his dream house. Meredith beside him, and a promise for their future. Of course, He's sitting here all alone, and He and Meredith are done.

Tonight he was supposed to be with Rose, it's the night after his and Meredith's Breakup. In fact, you could say he stood Rose up. He just couldn't do it. He doesn't know what made him kiss her, or seem such a smart ass about it when Meredith found out. He knows he screwed up, big time. He's just getting impatient. He wants to settle down, have a family. It didn't work before with Addison, and he really thought that with Meredith it would.

Love his blind. He's not thinking that it will never work. On the contrary, he knows it will. Maybe they just needed a break,

"Or maybe I just needed to slow down..." Derek says this to himself and sighs. His impatience drives her away, and he has been so focused on this dream house that he forgot about her sexy steps. He sees it now of course. He sees what a mess he made.

He'll still go on with the building of the house. He's still going to go on building it as if he and Meredith will move into it when it's done. They can't be over. He knows he's been blind about her getting better, and perhaps the reason is for that is that he's afraid it will all blow up in his face. Because every time she gets better, something goes wrong and she has a major set back. He has to pick up the pieces and he's kind of tired of it. He's been so blind that he just decided "hey, I'll just show her the plans". And she freaked out, and he didn't react well and now they are over.

They wont be over for long. He'll act like he's not bothered by it, she'll wonder what the hell is wrong with him and she'll want to talk to him. And then, Hey! they'll talk it out and they'll be back together, and his plans wont be wasted.

And would you look at that. Derek has plans. Didn't the one thing that made Meredith want to be with Finn, the Mcvet, was his plans? Finn had plans, he's gone and now Derek has plans.

Maybe it's because Meredith actually loves Derek, that scares her. She's never really loved anyone else like she loves Derek. Deep down Derek as always known that. But love is blind. They were both blind.

Derek sighs again and takes the last sip from his beer. He holds the cold bottle in his hand for minute; thinking about all those things that flew through his head, all in a matter of minutes. It gave him a head ache. He felt like crying. He missed her already. He missed the thought of her, the smell of her sweet lavender scent. He loved to breath her in while she slept, or when they were alone in the elevator together.

He loved how sexy she looked when she bit her bottom lip while she was concentrating. But most of all, he loved getting lost in her bright green eyes; that up until now, he realized were getting brighter and brighter by the day. Derek drops the bottle and puts his head in his hands. He feeds his fingers through his hair and latches on.

"What have I done?" He realizes that he has, perhaps forever, dimmed that brilliant glow; and suddenly he's not blind anymore. Derek gets out of his chair, grabs his car keys and jumps in his car. He'll go down to Meredith's and confess how sorry he is, and that he made a mistake. But the closer he gets to her house, the more he talks himself out of it. She needs her space. It's only been a day. He knows she needs her space, and this time he'll give her all the space he needs, even if it hurts.

Instead he parks his car in front of her house. It makes him feel like a stalker, but it's as close to her as he's going to get. He wonders what she's doing in there...He hopes she's not crying...but she probably is. She's probably balled up on her bed with the door locked, just sobbing.

A tear falls down his cheek. He shakes his head and bangs the steering wheel. All the frustration just keeps piling up. Derek just sits there in his car. He doesn't care that he's spent twenty minutes in front of Meredith's house. He likes it here. It reminds him of her. It's all the sounds around him that we would hear if he was sleeping next to her right now. Somehow he knows that she's trying not to think about not sleeping next to him; because he is too, it just hurts to much.

He looks up at Meredith's bedroom and then turns the car on to go home. As he pulls away he sees her light flick on. Yet again, he wonders what she's doing, how she's dealing with this, and what she's thinking about. He hopes she's thinking about him.

Instead of going home right away, he goes to his land, and his view. He looks out at what will soon be the view to his house. He will no longer have to live in that trailer, even if he's grown used to it. No, eventually he'll have his home. A real home, and hopefully he wont have to live in it alone.

**There some Derek for you. I was going to get to him eventually. Let me know how it was.**


	4. Chapter 4

Phase 2

_Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. _

First day of phase two went by pretty slow. It was only Thursday that the two of them broke up. Now it's Saturday. Meredith slept in until ten, well she didn't actually sleep, more like woke up at seven, fell asleep again, woke up at eight and laid there staring at the opposite wall. Izzie knocked on the door around nine, gave up after ten minutes, and went back down stairs.

Meredith is now in phase two. Phase two will consist of ignoring everyone and everything around her. She'll cry a little bit, and sleep or sit around all day long. Defiantly a slow day. Maybe she should get up now...maybe she should take a shower...it's been two days. Yes a shower sounds good.

Meredith gets up out of her bed slowly, rubbing her eyes and yawning loudly. Making her way to the bathroom she peeks out the window at the street below, Kids play basket ball and a neighbor gets in his car. _And life goes on..._

In the bathroom Meredith turns on the shower to warm it up while she slips out of her clothes, leaving them on the floor. She steps into the shower. Hot water meets her pale cold body. She just stands there facing the shower head, letting the water cascade down her neck, warming her up and making her feel a little better. Soon she realizes that tears have been cascading down her cheeks, like the water. It's been twenty minutes. She wipes her face, cleans up and gets out.

The whole time she's been trying not to think about anything. Because if she thinks, she'll start thinking about the thing she is trying not to think about...which is Derek. If she thinks about him, then she'll fall apart, which would ruin the whole idea of getting better at this dealing...and whatever.

Brushing her teeth and combs her hair and heads down stairs. Now to turn her face into a vacant one. She enters the kitchen sluggishingly and slumps down at the table. Izzie and George where talking before she entered, and have now gone completely silent.

"Hey Mer... How are you feeling?" George greets, Izzie gives him a look that tells him to leave her alone, and puts a hot cup of coffee in front of Meredith.

"It's hot." Izzie warns, Meredith takes it gladly, but doesn't show it. She takes a sip, closing her eyes and enjoying the burning of the liquid as it makes it's way down. George looks at her wide eyed, he had burned his tongue not five minutes ago.

Complete silence for about a minute before Izzie sighs and just leaves. George stares at Meredith for another minute and follows suit.

"What are we going to do?" George asks Izzie looking back at the kitchen, where a depressed Meredith sits.

"Nothing..."

"Izzie! Common, we can't just not do something."

"Yes we can."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously...and since when has anything we've done helped her? And besides, it may seem cruel...but Meredith needs to deal with this on her own for once." Izzie is satisfied with this and sits down on the coach.

"But what if something bad happens?" George is surprised at Izzie.

"Then we'll interfere."

Meredith sits alone at the bar at Jo's. It's three in the afternoon. Jo already commented on how it's kind of early for her to be drinking, but piped up when he saw the look on her face. So Meredith is just sitting there nursing a beer. She decided to stay away from the tequila, it only leads to trouble.

"Well isn't this nice. The Dirty Mistresse's Club, I didn't know there was a meeting." Mark sits down at the stool next to her and orders a drink. She just stares straight ahead. "Thats okay, you don't have to talk to me, you can just listen." He looks at Meredith with that smug look he always has on and continues.

"Derek's not with Rose..." He stops for a response and smiles when he sees her squirm in her seat.

"Jo? Can I have another?" Meredith asks, her voice almost not heard.

"He showed you the land right? Well of course he did...why wouldn't he have shown you..."

"Actually, he didn't..." Meredith is looking at him now.

He can see how torn up she is, "Well you should. and just between the dirty mistresses, the view is amazing."

_We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world head-on, guns blazing. _

Later that day Meredith is in her car driving down a road she's never been down before. She had stopped at a fork a little while back and stopped. She looked at the directions Mark gave her, cursed herself for doing this, and just kept on going.

She thinks she shouldn't do this. That this is a stupid idea and it's only going to make things worse. But here she is, in a car, going somewhere she probably would have seen before if she hadn't freaked out.

_Sexy steps, this is just all part of the sexy steps. _Soon Meredith comes to a stop. She's here. She sits in her car for a minute or two; just wondering what seeing this will do to her. Meredith takes a deep breath, in...and out. Then she's out of the car and walking up a little hill. She stops and looks out. There it is. She takes in a sharp breath; The view and the land. Meredith doesn't know what to say...not that anyone is around to hear her.

Meredith wonders why she ever freaked out in the first place. She bets that if she had seen this first, if Derek had brought her here before he showed her the plans, she would have been a little better about it. It is just so amazing.

She turns around and looks where the house will be, and at the huge yard they will have. She can picture it all right there. She can picture a porch swing, and the two of them sitting there together, rapped in a blanket against the cold nights. A tear slips from her eye. She's been in denial this whole time. Of course she wanted this, she wants it. She wants this now and that may never happen. Guess she'll have to do something about it.

**Okay, how was this? Glad I had McSteamy step in?**


	5. Author's Note

Authors Note

Alright. I need to give my brain a rest for a little while. I am not writing anymore for today, and I have school tomorrow with new classes, so I may or may not have another chapter. But, I can tell you that none of them will Blame it all on themselves., Meredith wont CRAWL back to him. so...yep. And hey, How are the phases working for you?


	6. Chapter 5

**Alright, I know it's been a while but I am back. I did notice that this isn't all that popular. That sucks because I don't know if I want to finish it. I'll think about it. In the mean time, here is another Derek point of view. **

**Derek**

_Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more._

Rain came down on the window Derek sat next to at lunch. It was loud and helped drown out some of his unwanted thoughts. The rain was no surprise, he lived in Seattle. But sometimes he just wished he could see some sun sometimes. Even just for one day. Maybe it would lift his spirits. Lately he can't help but feel a little miserable. He was supposed to act like he wasn't, so that he could get Meredith's attention. But he noticed that she has been acting like she wasn't affected by this breakup. It was so unlike her. She's not supposed to act this way. She's supposed to be lost without him. But she doesn't seem to be. That drives him crazy. The pain of all this has seemed to have only reached him. He's a wreck when he's not at work, because at work he needs to be one hundred percent on top of his game; Pain or no pain.

Derek looks up from a chart he's been staring at. He looks over across the cafeteria at Meredith. He sees her smiling and laughing with Izzie and Christina. He wishes that her smiles were all for him. He misses her laugh. He has to do something about it, but he doesn't know what to do to fix it. Maybe he could be a little more like Meredith, he could fake it, but maybe it will drive her crazy just like it has for him.

"Hey there bud." Mark sits down at the table with Derek.

"Hey…" Derek keeps looking over at Meredith.

"What are you looking at?" Mark asks and then sees where Derek's head is turned to. "Oh I see."

"See what?" Derek's not even paying attention. He just heard Meredith laugh and wanted to know what caused it.

"I told her you know." Mark just decides to say it quick, like ripping off a bandage.

"Told her what?" Derek looks at his friend.

"Where the land is…" Mark says this like it's no big deal.

"You did what! Why would you do that, you had no right!" Derek gets up from the table now. He's looking at Mark with this fierce look on his face.

"What's the big deal? Don't you want her to see it? It will help." Mark tries to reason with him.

"Well it won't." That's all Derek says before throwing his food in the trash and stalking off.

Derek doesn't know why he is so angry. He thinks it should have been him. It should have been him who showed her. But after a couple of minutes of fuming over this, he realizes that maybe it will help. That if she sees it, she'll like what she sees. Derek runs his hand through his hair and sighs. He needs to act like nothing is bothering him. He looks down at his chart. He has a surgery in an hour and he needs someone to scrub in. Izzie did the last time, so if he asks Meredith it won't seem like he's favoring her.

He tucks the chart under his arm and walks back down the hall to where Meredith is eating lunch. The door swings open not a minute after and Meredith walks out with Izzie. Izzie spots Derek, says something to Meredith and goes in the direction of the stares. Meredith waits for the elevator. Derek catches up and stands next to her. Silence. The elevator dings.

"Ladies first," He says gesturing with his arm towards the open elevator. She just gives him this look that tells him he's being corny. Derek takes his place at the back like always. Just so he can admire her. He wishes he could put on his usual charm and taunt her by standing really close. He knows how much it affects her, so he doesn't; He just flips open his chart so he looks busy. He sees Meredith shift her wait from one foot to the other.

"I have a surgery later and I need a resident." He asks absently.

"Sure." He can hear the smile in her voice. He so badly want to get closer to her but presses into the back a little more. The elevator opens "See you in an hour…Dr. Shepherd." Meredith leaves and Derek curses himself for not doing anything. This is going to be harder then he thought.

He could flirt. It's not like he doesn't do it all the time with her anyway. If he's going to act normal, and like nothing his bothering him, he could flirt. Derek is now in the scrub room. Meredith is next to him and the surgery is done. It didn't go well either. He looks at Meredith while he dry's his hands.

"Stop looking at me." First words out of her mouth since the surgery mishap.

"I'm not." He smiles. "But I could, if you want me too." He smiles again and keeps looking at her, his head cocked to the side.

"Just stop okay?"

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" He can tell she's getting angry."

"Meredith."

"No!" Derek stops smiling. He's hit a nerve. He was hoping this wouldn't happen."

"Fine I'm sorry…I'm sorry for everything" He wasn't going to do the sorry's but he's been wanted to for a long time. Meredith just stares into the sink, at the water that is barring down on her hands. Derek reaches over and shuts off the tap.

"I don't want to hear it. I've been okay you know."

"I've noticed….I don't like it." He says the last part under his breath but she hears him.

"When you do things likes this is brings the pain back."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry." Meredith dries her hands and looks him in the eye.

"But I am! What more do you want me to say!" Its times like these that make Derek thankful that no one else is around. It's silent for a long time."I have to go." Meredith turns to leave.

"I know you went there." Derek had to tell her he knew, even if it would just give him another minute with her in this moment.

Meredith stops at the door. She doesn't turn around, but she's listening. "The view was amazing." She says, and walks away.

**Alright, I decided to give them a moment. Please let me know if you want more. How many chapters do you want this to go for?**


	7. Chapter 6

**Alright, no more talk about the phases. She's had a minor set back from the moment with Derek. **

Meredith

Meredith sat on the couch with a box of cheez-its. Her legs curled under her, and one hand in the box. It was her day off, and It's really quiet in the house, probably because its early in the morning and no one else is up yet. Izzie has the day off too, and George was on call, he should be home in a little while. Lexie should too, she works till the afternoon, and then she'll be over to hang out at the house after. Meredith thinks she doesn't like to be home with her father.

It's been a week since the talk with Derek. She still catches him looking at her, and now she kind of likes it. She shouldn't, but it makes her day. Especially when she can't get down to the baby wing, one of her guilty pleasures.

Meredith eats another cheesy cracker and smiles. She remembered seeing Derek down there a few days ago.. She was just going to look, just for a minute because she was upset about loosing a patent before she got to surgery, so she thought she'd come down and let the toxic babies cheer her up. And right when she rounded the corner, there he was. She had decided to stand there and just watch him. He looked so calm, standing there. She saw this kind of gleam in his eye, it reflected in the window. That made her smile, but also wonder what he was thinking.

She frowned thinking of it now. She was dreading and wishing that Derek was thinking about her. God does she know what he wanted with her. She so badly wanted to just ambush him in that hallway and confess all her feelings. But when he had turned in her direction and saw her, she froze, and then bolted in the opposite direction. When they have moments like that, even just eye contact, which happens every day, her heart stops. In the good and bad way. The good way that tells her that she will always love him, despite all that bad shit that has happened, what with Addison, and Meredith almost being blown up, almost drowning, an the Rose thing, witch she realizes was just plain stupid. And the bad part is her not being able to trust him again.

Trust, what is trust anyway? Because if you really just boil it all down, nobody trusts anyone, ever. That's why people question each other all the time. They may be just making sure, but hey, thats just a sign of not trusting them, even if it's just for a brief second. How are people going to trust the people they love if they can't even trust themselves. In other words, she forgives him. Because if she can't forgive, then what the hell is she doing?

Meredith closes the lid on her cheez-its box and goes into the kitchen to put it away. She stands in the kitchen for a while, leaning against the counter, thinking... She looks to the left of her. There are her car keys. She makes her decision. She takes the keys from the counter and puts on a coat and scarf.

In the car Meredith doesn't think about anything, not what she's going to do when she gets there, or what she's going to say to him. She doesn't work like that, she's just going to let the moment take her. When she gets there she doesn't hesitate. She just gets out of the car and walks right into his trailer.

Derek is sitting at his little table, coffee in one hand, eyes staring down at the house plans. He is startled by the door slamming shut.

"Meredith." He's surprised to see her, this is so unlike her to just come in like this especially at such an early hour.

"Shut up an listen," Meredith points at him and pauses for a moment. Derek nods. "Just listen to what I have to say. I don't want to hear how sorry you are, believe me I know. I am just as guilty as you are... And Derek, it's hard. It is really hard loving you as much as I do. But I can't help it. And I can't Breath, I can't Breath when I'm not with you!" She takes in another breath and just stares at him. And he's staring right back at her because he is hearing everything he wished he heard a long time ago. She never is as open as this. She never expresses her feelings like this.

"Meredith,"

"No. I'm not done. You see, I can't breath when I'm not with you, and I can't breath when I am. It is just so hard. I know I am scaring and damaged, and I know that it's hard for you to get through to me sometimes, but, It's just who I am and belive me I am trying not to be like that."

"Don't."

"What?"

"Don't change yourself, you wouldn't be you if you did. You wouldn't be the women I fell in love with."

"Derek." Meredith looks at him with this tired look on her face. She is drained of this.

"Now you see, it's my turn. And I can see that you are finally getting what I have been doing. I did this. These feelings your having, I did that. I'm not proud of some of it, but I can see that I got through to you. Don't you see what has happened!" He is just so excided now he gets up from the table. He doesn't move towards her, just stands there. He sees this odd look come across her face.

Meredith is shocked. all this time she has been trying to do the same damn thing and he did it better. He is the one who made her see how open she can be, and that she has always wanted what he wanted. She just needed to stop and think. Something she really needed. Meredith looks down and shakes her head with a smile on her face. She steps over to him, pauses, and then hits him really hard in the arm.

Derek grabs his arm, "Owe, what the hell was that for!"

"For not helping me in the beginning." She steps even closer and kisses him plain on the lips, soft at first and then deeper. And right when he goes to deepen it even more she pulls away.

"And that." He whispers, looking into those eyes.

"That, is for loving me." She smiles and he leans in for another kiss.

"What do we do now?" Derek asks her after the kiss. His hand is on her cheek, they are smiling at each other.

"Well..." She looks down at the table, and sees the plans for the house that had scared her before. Now she's not so scared. She picks up the plans and looks them over. All the while she can sense his eyes on her.

"Well, not we build." She says this with a gleam in her eye. Derek gathers her up spins her around and kisses her.

The end.

**alright that's it. And that is exactly the way Meredith should talk to him. Don't you think?**


End file.
